She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I have aggressive nipples.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
