just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
