With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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