I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I think your dad took our porno
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
