The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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