You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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