If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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