I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
