theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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