Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
