I just made out with a guy for $7.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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