its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
