I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
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The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
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i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"