did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be