I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?