So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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