my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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