My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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