my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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