My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
