She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
