Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
