I wish I could punch you in the face.
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Randomize
