We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
