i will never coherently bang her
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
