You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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