I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
