i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
