I checked into jail on foursquare
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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