Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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