y did u give ur computer a hand job?
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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