so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
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