If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
