Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
