hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
