You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
