What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
