I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Randomize
