Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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