Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
