if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
