I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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