No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
