I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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