My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
