My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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