Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
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There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.