I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
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Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
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I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."