If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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