2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
