ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
