I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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