the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
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There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
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You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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