that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
