im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
