I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
