His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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