Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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