Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
