I can text with my tongue
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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