So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
